June 15, 2007
I bought a brand new microwave. It’s beautiful. And black. I’ve had it for a week and still haven’t used the damn thing yet. I think I’ll do that tonight J it was on a really good sale. And then I had a coupon. So I had to have it. Being with out (I had one it just didn’t work anymore) was hard. Then, Tommy and Jilly moved and they needed a new microwave, so they got a new one too. But they have used theirs. Looks just like mine.
I'm still stuck where I was last month. Not being able to say how I feel to someone. I can be very direct at times but. There are just times when I can’t spit it out. Then I say one thing and it’s taken in the wrong context or I get a not so hot reply. Then it makes me never want to talk again. Why am I intimidated? No clue.
You meet people from time to time that you immediately connect with. Then you want to cling to them. You want to be apart of their lives and have them apart of yours, forever. I think sometimes they have something you think your life is missing. Or they remind you of a good period of life. Though you may not always be around them (people move, change, grow) you still keep in touch. You still think of them and wish they were around. They have affected your life, you have affected theirs and you never want to let them go. And the ones you really want to hold onto never lose touch. How long will that last? I still talk to my 5th grade teacher. Vogt, Carlo and Jane from HS. Co-workers/ Administrators at CMC. People that I work with here in the insurance world (totally different from the real world, I swear) that I’d like to keep as friends if I were to ever leave. Co-workers from Kohl’s, I hope I keep some of them as friends, Pam P and Sandy. Ginger Claudine. I want to quit that job so bad. But I just can’t see myself leaving. Not going in and shopping or having nicknames for the managers. Joey (who is gone now), Patrick, JB and Clicky. Not seeing those people who have been there with me from the beginning of Kohl’s store 0025. Amanda, Gregory, April, Em, Kayla, Jeron, Collin, Shannon, Brielle, the Livingston twins. But I hate that job and most people are leaving in July anyway. We shall see.
Just got off the phone with my Grammy. She is such a sweet lady.
And I think I take her insight in consideration because she has raised three kids and all these grand kids and she isn't my mother. She sees my box and moms box, inside her own box and then she looks outside of the box. Even though I frown upon my Gram trying to tell me about God and all the wonderfulness of him (I have nothing against him but I’d rather not talk about any of it), I’m glad she prays for me. Because sometimes I forget to. I forget a lot. And the things I remember seem so unimportant at times.
I forget that it’s so hard to live day by day. That trying to sneak a peek at the future does you no good. Because you never really know what’s going to happen. I forget that life is a vicious cycle and sometimes you think you have it all together and then boom- you don’t. Life is about patience, lenience and change. It spins and swirls like an angry roller coaster ride. Sometimes you're up sometimes you're down. Sometimes you just want your feet back on the ground. Maybe you close your eyes and enjoy the butterflies in your tummy and the wind in your hair. Maybe you rise up your arms and scream. Maybe you hang on to your best friend by your side and ask how much longer till its over. Then the ride slows down and your pain and confusion subsides. Then some stranger unbuckles you. My strangers are my friends. Figuratively speaking that is. I make friends with strangers but my friends are the ones who keep me grounded. The ones who listen until I’ve ran out of breath from talking so fast. The ones that support me no matter what the hell I do. I forget that everyone looks at the same moon. When you feel distanced, states away or just lonely for them just look at the moon and know you’ll see them again soon. I forget that any relationship has to be built on trust and open communication. Toss even just the slightest bit of jealousy in there because you're lacking any of the first two components and you're bond is bound to get thrown out the window. I forget that talk is cheap and words are not significant unless you follow through. Follow through is everything. I forget that I’m only 20 and anything is possible. Along with that, I forget that I have no real noteworthy ties right now. No kids, no husband. No real career. I could go anywhere. Do anything that I want. And here I am cutting myself short thinking I’m stuck in the current lifestyle. I forget to not criticize others when I’m mad at myself. My life is just that. Mine. cant blame anyone else for the way my life goes. I forget that everyone (guys included) is insecure. In their bodies, their relationships, their lives. I forget why friends are friends. To lift you up, to encourage, to inspire. To laugh with, and cry with. To take you back to who the real you is, and remind you of your strengths, your talents. I forget that it’s so much easier said than done sometimes. When you're on the outside, its easy to say do this like that but when you're in that situation and you feel like your world is crumbling, its not that effortless.
Being a hypocrite. I am. You are. I lie every time I write a blog and say I’m done. Say I’m happy. Tell you guys I’m not going to seek people out anymore. I do. I change my mind.
I miss Erica Lynn. She is in VA and will be back tomorrow. I’m sad lacey moved to NY. But I’m happy she is gone to a better place and hopefully she is happier there. I feel lost without Skylar. Living busy lives and on different parts of the state, we haven’t really talked in over a month. Jessi is trying to move away. Seattle or Portland or New Zealand. Some shit like that and I'm happy that she has such a free spirit to go wherever. Nicolette is finally on Myspace. So happy to see her and her family doing so well. A little less than a year and Britney and Matty are getting married. So excited. I saw her dress and its beautiful. Her house was dark downstairs and I went into the bathroom in stead of the hall. Got lost! Mama and Danny moved into a smaller house. Liza and Punkin are adjusting well (third house in four years). Cristiel still hasn’t had a baby. I’m hoping before or after Country Jam. Speaking of, Country Jam starts next Thursday. It’s going to be a damn good time, even if you don’t like country music. I enjoy going to lunch with Crystal and Kelli. We reminisce about the good old days and how much trouble we were. I found a lady bug in my salad at La Paninoteca. I almost threw up in my mouth. She (I suppose it was a girl) was half dead on her back, IN MY SALAD. Can you say vomit? Bleh. I got a new salad but didn’t eat it and a new samitch. Probably wont ever eat there again. Sorry E.
I’ve taken the first part of my license exam. Waiting on a certificate to be faxed back from Denver. Then it’s off to (fail)take my test for the state. I know I’m going to fall short so I’m searching for a new job. Though it saddens my heart greatly to leave this place, where they have been my family for a year and a half, Life must go on. I want to write. I want to have people read my stuff and be like, Oh that Hannah Whiteside girl DOES know something. I just don’t know how to get there. Insurance is not the world for me. I like to collage advertisements. Collage in general. But where will that ever get me? I was trying to rush things. Talking about going into massage therapy or esthetics. Then a couple of people reminded me that is not what I’m passionate about. Rubbing people down and removing hair and giving facials. That’s not me. Me is a opinionated, openly talks to anyone about anything (abortion, Brazilian waxes, motion sickness, having a lame father, growing up on PBJ). I’m the loud laugher (is that a word?) and I love my independence. I admit when I’m at fault. Ill tell you when I think you're wrong or being unfair. I will tell you every day that I love you because (I think) I have a big heart and I think its important to let people know that you love them, if you do. I’m quick to judge but quick to take it back. I take pride in my appearance; I can’t leave the house without mascara and love a good pair of heels with black pants and a top. I love to eat pasta and potatoes. Kudos if you can put them in the same entrée. I over think, cant turn off the mind. I hurry life too much instead of savoring what’s going on today. I love too easily and can’t say no. I hate small tedious tasks like filing loose papers and folding a racetrack filled with stupid t-shirts. I’m not a huge fan of drinking and have no patience for drunks. Sometimes, I’m afraid to live a little on the wild side because I’m afraid I’ll fuck something up. Cause an accident, get a DUI, a fight between friends. I hate it people don’t have manners. Chew with their mouths open, stare at others (noticeably), not pushing in your chair after a meeting, no pleases and thank you's (I have a hard time with your welcome) and telling instead of asking. I’m not a mind reader, if you want me to come over you're going to have to say hey you want to come over? Don’t presume I’m just going to show up. I’m a sucker for a good one liner joke. Or a good knock knock. I have a love hate relationship that we live in such a small world. You know someone who knows someone that hangs out with someone you know. On the other hand, I despise that the world isnt so small we are only a hop skip and a jump away from all the people we love. And not everyone loves Grand Junction, so I don’t think they will be moving here soon. I’m a picky eater and want to strangle my father for calling me inhumane for it. He actually told me to move to texas where they are weird like me. Who the hell is he to open his mouth sometime? I get angry when people cant spell but am learning that its okay sometimes. Knowing the difference between two, to and too, know and no, their,there, and they’re… I do think those are important but no one seems to care anymore. I also think there is a difference between typos and just not knowing how to spell. I am bothered when you talk about your dog and before you're half way through the second sentence about your dog, the person you're talking to starts talking about their dog. Hello, my dog first. Then your dog. Or your boyfriend, husband, car, llama, movie night, Mom or whatever. How does the conversation always come back to you? I question every thing. Very curious person. I have friends I’ve never met. Friends that are 16 and friends that are 60. I spend more money than I make. I pay more money on doctor bills than rent. My most hated bill is student loans. Because going to college never did much for me. My biggest bill is rent. And rent goes up the first of July. Damn’t. I am in love with the pita pit. And pineapple in my pita.
That is who I am. All of those things.
I’m off for the weekend. Happy Fathers day to all you men out there with children. Turk included. Have a spectacular weekend.
