Status Quo

I got some poison ivy on the fourth of July. I thought it was bug bites or something and finally, after three weeks I went to the doctor. Now I'm on some crazy pills to make it go away. Im thankful I went to the doctor and got it figured out.

I continued with my job search and I'm please to annouce, I have two weeks until Im done working at Hub International. It was a good run. I had fun. But its time for change; a new chapter in life that I'm going to so totally write. I've accepted a position at an attorneys office to be a 'legal assistant' and maybe one day a paralegal or something of the sort. Im really excited.

It was a long, tough, and exhausting week. Medicines making me stay awake at night, dealing with a nasty ass bug problem in my apartment, interviews, job applications, getting a job offer and having to discuss salary and benefits. Needing to make up my mind about whats important in life. And the one thing that is, is me. I got wet eyes when I put in my two weeks with Hub. Eileen even teared and asked what it would take to make me stay. As good as it felt knowing she wanted me to stay, I just couldnt do it.

Some of the most important people in my life, I havent even told this to yet. Mom has been in surgery (on call, perfoming surgery not undergoing surgery) for most of the week and Tommy, well. I just havent talked to him.

When people step out of your life for a moment, do you hesitate to let them go, or do you hold on tight and hope they stay? Do you think that your life is a puzzle and if they fit, they fit. If not, on to the next person? Does your puzzle ever change? Of course. But does that mean that the puzzle pieces can change too? Or is that a horrible analogy?

I feel torn between my heart and my mind the last few days. And they always say to follow your heart but is your brain much smarter? If you want to leave my life, thats fine. I cannot do anything to change your mind, nor do I want to. I do however want closure. I want to know why. I ask too many questions because I want to feel there is no unfinished business. While conversing about this thing called 'closure' a good friend of mine said, "sometimes, closure has to come from within." How profound, I thought. And yes, things are finally done when your heart heals and your eyes dry but what do you do until you find that inner peace?

Without giving too much away because its not really anyones business but I do need to get it out, Im hurt to say the least. I'm confused and lost. I feel completely disrespected and numb to the outside world. I never quite understand why people do the things they do, because its their idea not mine but why would you intentionally hurt someone? Why is it all black and white and then suddenly I'm pushed into a spinning gray area?

The title of my blog, is kinda my new phrase. How different would life be if wishes did come true? It came about at dinner last weekend. Sammi asked what you wished would have been different blah blah blah. (blah doesnt mean it was insignificant its just not that pertinent) and it got me thinking. It actually totally threw off my night. I went home bitter after dinner. Not at her for bringing it up, at the fact that wishes in fact, dont always come true and that you cant change anything from the past. If every wish on every star were granted and if every wish made on 11:11 became reality, how different would life be? What would you change? Now whenever I think about how I 'wish' things would be, I say that. If wishes came true. If wishes came true, she would have come out alive. if wishes came true, he would still be here. If wishes came true, Id have a new car. If wishes came true... do you see where Im going with this?

I wish that he would call and tell me whats going on.

I wish that gas prices would go down about another dollar.

I wish life wasnt so hard sometimes.

I wish they wouldnt fight because its pains me.

I wish you the best.

I wish my friends were nicer to each other because I dont understand why they're so angry at each other to begin with.

Its not that the intentions werent good, but its either going to happen or its not. And things we cant change, arent going to. So why do we dwell on them? Why do we continue to wish that they wouldnt have happened?

Someone called me spoiled the other day. It was actually someone that I work with. And I'm not sure why she said I was spoiled, if its that she really thinks I am or if she was angry I was leaving in two weeks... anywho. I dont think I am spoiled. I listened to her reasons she thought that I was, and I was stunned she thought the things that she did and those meant I was spoiled. Example, the fact that I eat out almost every day for lunch. That I wont eat at home. that makes me spoiled. The fact that I drink bottled water or filtered deep rock from work, that makes me spoiled. The fact that I PAY my parents cash so I can do laundry at their house. That part is more about convenience. If Im going to be here, and they say its cool, why not? I pay for my lunch. I pay for my bottled water and I pay to do laundry at my parents house. So where in that is anything actually handed to me to give you the idea that I am spoiled? Because I dont see it. Its my money. I choose how to spend it. Sorry I dont like left overs and I enjoy getting out of the office to eat lunch. Sorry I dont save my money, I deal with expenses as they come. maybe its because she is old school and thats how she raised her kids so she thinks thats how i should live my life too? no clue. Maybe her reasons behind it were in fact because I told her I was puttin in my two weeks. My responsibilities now become hers. Dont purposely make me angry, hurt my feelings or confuse my easily confused head because you just feel like it.

Why do people say things when its not their place to say? Why cant they say things more nicely or with more tact? They are just rude about it. No need to be rude, its not your life. Its mine. Hence, my life, my choices, my money, my relationship. When it becomes, our lfie, our choices our money and our relationship, get back to me.

I'm pooped. No more left in me.

I think that there are still people in this world who appreciate looking up.  People who know what power words contain.  People who are not so absorbed in the television that they forget there is actually a world outside.  A world that turns. A world that rains.  A turbulent, sometimes frightening, most of the time exhilarating world.  A world with PEOPLE.  Humanity has become too disconnected from itself.  We walk around with cell phones, not in our pockets, not in our hands, but attached to our ears.  It's easier that way.  Correct?  We are in a constant struggle with our evil pursuer; time.  Twenty-four hours is not enough.  We need thirty.  Actually forty-eight would be wonderful. Most balance family, work, a social life (if they're fortunate), and the ordinary things everyone must do to keep functioning.  It's so much easier to plan your affairs, budget your time, and make phone calls when you're in the company of people you, honestly, don't care about.  You don't know the guy at the gas station, the girl at the supermarket, the secretary at the doctor's office.  While we are being honest I'm sure they could care less about you.  You're another face, that continues another day, that turns one more hour until they go home. What if you stopped, smiled, and asked how their day was going?  What if they did the same to you (and meant it)?  What if you began your day with a five minute conversation with the super market lady, whom you have now discovered is the mother of three kids and is attempting to start her own clothing line?  What if you told your aunt you would call her back and actually said hello to the gas station attendant instead of mouthing number eight, and thrusting a twenty in his face?  Would it make things easier?  No.  Would the world seem brighter?  No.  Would famine, crime, and disease suddenly be brought to a shocking halt because you took the time to notice another person?  Absolutely not.  But you might feel, just a little, warmer inside.  More importantly you could have made someone else feel that same warmth.

There are people in the office today, for some board meeting. It was my duty to run to My Favorite Muffin and get 50 mini muffins and to Safeway to get a pint of half and half. Make the coffee (2 pots), find a lovely platter and arrange 35 mini muffins on it. Everyone was late. Anywhere from 5 – 27 minutes. When is anyone ever on time? I guess it's not relevant, they are not directly associated with me and it didn't really affect me (other than my rushing to get the muffins situated). I had no idea how many people were coming. Our conference room seats 12; 5 (boss included) showed up. It lasted slightly over an hour from the original time everyone was supposed to be here and then they all left in a hurry. No one stayed to eat one last muffin, which are fantastic by the way. Not one person hung around to chitchat longer than everyone else. I don't understand how you can go into a meeting, and leave the meeting abruptly to answer your phone. Why cant the call wait, doesn't the meeting come first? The call didn't seem that vital anyway. One gentleman came out of the conference room, slammed the door and took his call here in the lobby. It lasted about three minutes, tops. While he was chatting about nothing, he reached into the candy jar and grabbed two mints. They were Life Saver Mints. He popped it into his mouth and crunch crunch crunch it was gone. He ate another. I sat here in awe. I contemplated why he ate it so fast and why he needed two if he wasn't going to enjoy it to the full extent. Why was he was in such a butt rush for a small candy with a strong flavor? Why must he chomp in the caller's ear? Then he hurried back into the conference room and slammed the door, yet again. How rude, I thought. Following the meeting, each person grabbed some candy as they walked out. The same man grabbed at least three more mints. I hope he doesn't choke. I cleaned the conference room. There were about 38 muffins left. The office finished them this afternoon.

When you do your laundry or, landry as I like to call it, do you sort your stuff by color or do you just kind of throw it all in and hope for the best? Do you wear the same outfits over and over and over again or do you wear everything and then wash it all at once? I love doing laundry. I hate that I don't own a washer and a dryer. But if I did, I would wash clothes all of the time. I don't sort my clothes. I watch for white shirts and articles that may cause others to become overly fuzzy but for the most part, I just toss it all in. I don't even hope for the best. I just take it as it comes. Maybe that's why I don't hate laundry like so many others do, because I don't sort it. I hate that I have to go somewhere to do it. To the laundry mat, second floor or over to the Rents house when they leave town. I love that I can just throw it in with the soap and turn it on. I wash all my stuff in a large load with cold water to wash and rinse so I never have to turn the dial. And most things can be dried (one pair of jeans and two t's cannot). I like to hang my clothes. Hate hate hate hate HATE folding. Just turn on a movie, or talk on the phone and hang clothes. Pantaloons on the left of the closet, tops straight in front. Underoos, bras and sockies in a three drawer roll tub thing. Pretty simple I think.

Our office is obsessed with Crystal Light. I'm pretty sure we all drink it during the day. And I cannot live without Spitz Dill Pickle sunflower seeds. They sit in my car and I eat them whenever I drive. They are fantastic. As soon as I run out, back to buy some more. They are so so good. Heard the Jalapeño ones are good too, going to try those next time I run out.

When I love someone, friends, I love them whole-heartedly. Some people, I love too quickly. I think sometimes, my love is overbearing. I want to tell you all the time. I'll say it all day long, at the end of every email. I'm not sure why this is. I'm talking just girlfriends. It's quite funny that I think I'm an easy lover when someone told me a couple of weeks ago that I am not a people person; that I hate people. I was appalled at this gesture because I've always worked in customer service. Receptionist, administration, cashier at Kohl's. I deal with people all day every day. New people, young and old maybe somewhere in between. I have people call the office just to talk to me sometimes, when they could spend less time talking to anyone and just email. I'm not a people person? Whoa. Who knew? I like lots of people. And I also can't stand lots of people. Rub me the wrong way once, and you might not ever be able to rub me right (figuratively speaking of course). Sometimes, I think my love for friends is too much because I don't get it back all the time. Then I just get angry. But I recently learned you cant be mad at yourself for bending over backwards and not getting those people to bend for you as well. It was your choice to bend, to go the extra mile for them.

On the other hand, I always thought I was outgoing. I think in ways this is different from being a people person but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just fooling myself that I'm a people person. Anyway, I always thought that I was sociable but I'm seeing more and more that if you put me in a room with a bunch of people that I kind of know or people that I went to school with but wasn't friends with I cower down. I'm shy. Quiet. Only speaks when spoken too and I begin to wonder where the old Hannah has gone. Or was I really never that person that talked to everyone? Did I really only talk to those I was close to? This strikes me as odd; I'm still confused to this day why I am not friendly like I thought I was. People think I'm strange. Which I am. Totally give them credit for noticing. I'm loud when I feel need be. I like to observe, take in the detail of the situation. Listen to people talk nonsense while I just listen.

I have the world in the palm of my hands; it's up to me to mold it.

Its funny that we think some things will change in time. And really they change but it all comes back to the same thing. I was recently discussing living paycheck to pay check. One person stated that you're really not making a career if you live paycheck to paycheck and its too hard to save because bills come up. And I agree. I don't think you live completley if you're always nervous about your money. So then I got to talking to my wise friend in D-Town. An older ish guy, really smart and funny. He has a degree and a family and works at a large company and probably makes a good amount of money but he says that he still lives that way. Paycheck to paycheck inquiring how the bills might get paid. So I thought, damn this shit never changes. I might as well get used to it. Average Americans I'm talking…

I can count my best friends on one hand and that's how I like to keep it. Quality over quantity right? I was telling one of my best friends this just today : Some people are only temporary friends. And you will always come across people that you will only be friends with for 8 months. Or 2 months. Or 10 years or not the rest of your life. and there will be people that you're close to forever. My best friends are the ones I know, not think, I will be close to forever. My best friends are the ones that I trust with my life, the ones who answer their phones at three in the morning… the ones that will be in my wedding even if its ten years from now. My best friends are the ones who want me in their life, just as much as I want them in mine. I read the other day in order to have a great friend, you have to be a great friend. Think of that next time you questions someones intentions in your friendship.

My eyes are open but my body is still asleep. Im  like a damn zombie these days.

I talk to myself in the card aisle. I sometimes read them aloud and I laugh at them too. If I find a really good one, ill find a stranger shortly down the aisle and read it to them too. I could spend hours in the card aisle.

Sometimes I read the news. Most days it makes me really super sad. But thankful tomorrow is another day.

It's funny how you will always love someone regardless. And how people choose to live their lives thinking of what their life would have been like instead of moving on. How someone can place blame on everyone else but themselves because they never did anything wrong? How people can manage someone else's life but not their own? How tears share the most extreme emotions. I love how memories can make you laugh 5 years later. How you always think you are right then you realize how wrong you really are. How people say they are completely different from each other but probably have a lot in common but are too ignorant to admit it. Life is a huge jumbled mess of amazing ness.

Slowing things down.  I'm always in a rush.  IMPATIENT.  I skip words when I read so I can get to the next page more quickly, I cook eggs on high to save time and I give people my trust before they've earned it.  I'm tired of missing part of the story, eating burnt eggs and having a broken heart so I'm slowing down. I have kept my experiences in my heart and am carrying them with me through to my future.  I can only hope that the people I have affected and touched will chose to do the same...

Are you pickin up what I'm putting down?