August 25, 2007
I must write. I've got to get this out of my head because I'm becoming more crazy… whoops :o)
This month so far has gone a little different than I honestly anticipated. I've underwent things I didn't think I would ever have to go through; emotionally and physically. I did the whole, so upset you throw up and the no appetite because you just cant eat. I've cried until there were no more tears. I've gone from sad, to angry, to hurt, to pissed off in a very short amount of time. The last time I was this pissed was… well. When someone told the guy I was seeing about me 'not wanting to see him anymore.'
Heart break I do believe this is called. And you think you know what you're doing. You think you're not weak and or vulnerable but you are. You will always crumble regardless of how strong you think you are. But then, you say in the beginning you have a wall up. That you can't break that wall and you won't get hurt, or that he won't hurt you. But your wall fell down, he did hurt you. Even though he said he never would. It was all a lie. My heart isn't broken anymore. I taped it up, all better. The show must go on. Hopefully that damn tape holds up.
I like to buy things for other people, my treat. But. I don't like when people want to buy for me. The ones that do treat you, you don't think should and the ones that maybe could treat you every now and then don't. Why can't we all just pay for our own shit? If you can't pay for it, you don't need it. I just don't like when others pay. Makes me feel dependant on them. I started my new job last Saturday. I look back at the last year and a half, and there was one day a week I was sure I'd get fired. I've learned so much. Most of it, not really important but I still learned something. Those people drove me crazy, annoyed me, made me angry but most importantly they loved me. They supported me every time I was ill or were having issues. When I moved they gave me house warming presents and when I'd sit at the desk and just cry they would pick up the phones until I caught my breath. They threw a little party. We ate fancy cake and had wonderful punch. It was fun.
The new job is quite interesting. I work in a firm with two lawyers and two paralegals. And then there's me. We're all girls!
I'm so thankful for all of my girlfriends and Greg, who isn't a girl. The ones who were there when I needed you the most at the beginning of the month. The ones who let me just cry on the phone and who listened to everything when I was hurting so bad. Skylar, Jessi, Jessica, Erica, Shannon, Britney, Abi, my mom and whoever I forgot (sorry). Makes me want to cry again when I think about it because you all mean the world to me. The texts in the morning 'hey how you doing today' and the reassurance that everything will be okay. It's amazing how you can tell who your real friends are when things get tough. The ones that don't care you aren't as strong as the face I put on.
To Tommy's sisters, I appreciate you, more than you will ever know (Teri too). I'm sorry that I don't know how to deal with all this but know that all of you will forever be in my heart and that I will miss you all and I'm sad it didn't work out. Everything happens for a reason, and whatever that reason is, I respect it. And still have no control over it.
that is all i have for now. more next week.
